i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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