we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
