you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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