I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
