Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
