I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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