he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My penis needs a shock collar
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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