The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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