I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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