sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
