Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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