He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
