I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
