Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
