You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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