Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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