i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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