how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
