how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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