Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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