my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
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Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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