That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
