OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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