Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
