last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
