The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
