dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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