This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
