Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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