I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
