Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket