Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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