Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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