Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He better not be in your backpack
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
