it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
