he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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