it wasn't lemon gatorade
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
