new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
