I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
