i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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