I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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