I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
