why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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