I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
