my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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