Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
