He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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