This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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