I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
