I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
