My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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