I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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