Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
