So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
