you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
