I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
