You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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