The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
