I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wish there were birth control emojis
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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