so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
