can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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