I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
